how you contradict with what you once promised;
how you pretend to be who you are not;
how you keep telling yourself that everything's gonna be alright yet in fact, everything gets rotten inside out, it's you who's been blind to see how bad it really is.
For the past year, I gradually moved the center of my focus on something else because of a huge change in my life. I have been tolerant and staying really cool and mellow, according to the medical staff and everyone around me, but I thought I could be more, than that. As a matter of fact, I don't wanna be like that, anymore.
For so many nights, I wanted to write about something and bitch about someone, my hand and my brain somehow lost their coordination that they used to be pretty darn good at, being/working each other. When I finally spare the time to jot down something, I lost that once huge train of thought and drop brain dead right in front of the screen.
I became quieter and quieter, grumpier and grouchier. Due to the lack of time to read and write and to reflect, and for the sake of fulfilling the role that everyone expects me to be good at, I nonetheless became dumber and dumber. My fingers are number, my brain functions slower, my speech is most of the time out of consistency and thoughts appear to be bits and pieces that jump here and there. huge jumps, huge gaps. I abhor the look in the mirror and occasionally find myself gasp in horror at the sight of what I see: who the heck is this woman that wears abominable bloody red lip and nail lacquer?
There is no way I am gonna let myself rot like that. I have to speak out, step out. I've gotta have my say and say something meaningful.
Where to begin? It's been almost a year.
Here. You encourage.
"After all, you are what you are. Nobody's gonna change you unless you let them and nothing's gonna change unless you do something. We are simply nobody and people nowadays pay attention to those Somebodies, so you wouldn't be in the center of spotlight. It's safe here. Set your thoughts free and reposition yourself, starting from where you are. Live the moment and let it begin, all over again." Thus you said.
Day by day, you watch the passersby walk away, run away, and you do not do anything about it because they are not related to you. But your thought. Your mindset, your attitude and inner voice, those are what set you apart from all the others. You've got nothing to lose now.
So what you do say? You are now standing right on your mark.
Ready?
Get set.
Go!