After that night, we didn't see each other for some time. Then one day, as my college classmates got me a couple of mails, I recognized his hand-writing which was always a scripture. Only then did I realize that all this time he had been writing me letters. I read them and felt even more complicated and bewildered especially to his confession.
"I regretted for letting you go without embracing you in my arms, not even holding your hands. I hope I didn't scare you, nor make you confused...I only want to tell you and confirm with what I felt about you was never infatuation. I don't dare imagining your loving me back, but I wish I had more chances to see you and tell you in the face how and what I felt for you..."
Before I came to myself, something liquid dropped onto the letter sheet and wetted part of his writing. I was crying.
The reason why cried when I was readin ghis letter was unknown. I didn't have a clue why I felt so sentimental for what he wrote...till year later. And yet, back then I knew how he felt for me, I was very much disturbed and couldn't help avoiding him, his letters, emails and hie phones. The intension was never dislikenss, annoyance or any other reasonable or imaginable emotional reaction.
The truth was, I liked him, adored this guy immensely. Perhaps I didn't want to lose because I was kind of holding a grudge with him, for he didn't choose me years ago when I had feeling for him. Or maybe it was because I didn't want to be a back-up for him to fill in the blank in his romance history. Or chances were we loved each other; yet we were unable to commit to each other, nor could we see how important we were to each other.
So I chose to escape: escaped from his attention and affection, escaped from the traumatic past experienced of being bullied in the remaining days before the end of junior high school commencement, escpaed from the fact that he might be the guy for me.
Years after years, I've tried to find him, tried to catch up on what I have missed inhis life. But I guess that was merely an excuse of seeing him again. I had once brooding alone on the question: "just about what would you say to him if you were to come across to him?" I was used to thinking apologizing to him because I felt sorry for being so cowardishly avoiding him, without giving him any chances to speak with me about what really was in his mind, without listening to him as a friend would have done.
Then I realized that it wasn't my fault, I was simply not ready for his strong emotional attachment toward me and I prepared to take someone that I've regarded as a best friend, someone that fell for me and changed the perfect relationship. Given any chance of seeing Gig-Head again, I think I'll let him know there were some time somewhere deep down my heart, I had kept a space for him, but now I am over the rainbow and found another drifter to drift along with me...