Thursday

A quarter to seven, I ran out of the apartment.  The bus left on time, leaving me behind at the stop. It is the busiest day of the week.  I am usually deprived of sleep due to readings, assignments and chores on week days, but Thursday is the most exhausting.  After finishing the homework, I grabbed the coffee to the office.  From there, I began my restless day-long schedule till six.

I am used to the cold.  It is the life without you that I am not used to.

W, L and I went to have Pho today, at our favorite restaurant.  They asked me of you.  Nothing new.  But I recalled earlier the day, on my way to school, I was waiting at the traffic light.  Then I found myself staring at the sky.

It must have been, like, then.  You were up in the air.  A flurry of snow landed on my nose.

Later today, NJ and I came across each other at the hallway.  He told me about the completion of his dissertation and I was genuinely happy for him.  Next stop?  I asked.  Harvard, maybe.  He said.  We hugged each other and I suddenly fell sick.  I was disoriented.  He grabbed me by the arm.  Nothing, it must have been the asthma attack earlier and the deprivation of sleep.

I felt like a loser.  I lost you, NJ and myself today.  People come and go, a fortunate stroke of serendipity brought me here, and now I don't see you anywhere.  Soon, I will lose NJ forever too.  Nothing is a keeper.  No one is keeping me; I am keeping no one either.

It's a promise.  And I know that I have to keep the words.  I will disappear in no time.

No one gets the sign.  No one will find me.  From then on, I would merely exist in the memory.

Thursdays are like this.  Random thoughts, refreshing memory and promises when I am done with all the hustle and bustle.  I think of you, I think of us and I think of him.  Then I am consumed by the exhaustion and pointless reminiscence.

The blizzard has yet arrived.  I stood smiling, hopelessly yet triumphantly.