There I was, sort of interrupting people in talks and providing information that I presumed it would be useful but actually was not; worst of all, I let my lack of self-esteem and confidence slipped through my tongues in the disguise of errogance and ignorance. Deep down, I am abashed of myself and have nothing but an extremely low self-esteem and defidence.
Thinking back, when I taught my students to be proud of themselves and felt good about themselves, I was probably speaking to myself. Though not a big fan of Christine Aguilera, the exuberant chanting of the chorus part in her song "Beautiful" did have impact on me once. Raised by two "old-school" teachers, I seldom got compliment or affirmation for my achievement. Instead, I merely managed to get through every trial, task and stage of life, despite telling myself that was not my best or I could have done better, I ended up an mediocre average person that is not at all cool. I was never a bright student, nor an intelligent child; I took time to make my routes whereas others made shortcuts and exit the maze in a minute. At times, I even consider myself dim-witted, for being the underachiever in my family and the one that always failed my parents' expectation.
Anyhow, eventually I pulled myself through higher education and achieved what other people considered an accomplishment. Yet, that was not really something glorious nor anything new. I have always had the idea that I got what I've got in view of other people's help and compassion. In other words, from time to time, I would be burried in the thoughts such as, perhaps I did not ever deserve a title, nor did I earn respect. There was always uncertainty in me and in what I can do. I have doubt about my capability, and I am never good at hiptonizing myself; instead I grew to be blustering what I have achieved (which was nothing): school, love life, philosophy of life and so on.
As the self defense mechanism was activated, I let my thoughts slip through my mouth without any preservation and without scanning through my brain. And I believe that is a firm proof of stupidity of me. Idiocy ruined my day, for I am always keen at re-examining myself, what I've said and done and sometimes what I have thought. After the imbecilic and obtuse said-and-done, I, of all times, remorsed and felt even more debased by my improper speech and ways of acting.
Moments like that, I loathed myself and find myself despicable. I wish to be isolated and left alone. Alienation began in me until my beloved ones pulled me out of the storm and consoled me with showers of affirmations. I then realize that I am guilty all over of my shortcomings and disbeliefs in me, and am further aware of how serious the negative thoughts and viable misconceptions I have in me can make things and my own qualities more decadent.
It is, therefore, time for me to step back and think when I take every step; time for me to see and learn and get a grip of myself in the sense of "see more, learn more but say no more." That is possibly the first step of being responsible and mature.